Adventures in Freelance Insanity
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Dont Be Ascared!!!
Jake is on the mend! It was touch and go, but he's definatly feeling better and I thank you guys for your prayers and good wishes.
Now Jake couldnt fit into his Halloween costume due to wires and such but I made him a sign and he had his hat on. Here's a pic - dont be scared, it's only Jake...
Here's what he looked like ina pre-Halloween fitting...
And here's a plain old pic of Jake when he's chillin at home, which he will be again soon...
Have a great weekend everyone!!
9:30 p.m. - 2005-11-05
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Rambling More
Jake has been off the vent for a few days, seemed good on Monday but has gotten worse and worse since. It's pretty clear, however much I want to deny it, that we are headed for another open heart surgery. This will be in addition to the other two he has (the next one scheduled for January).
I love Jakey more than I can articulate, and it's times like this when I wonder if I made the right choices for him. He is so sad. He has the sick eyes, the eyes every mother knows, when baby is sick and doesnt understand why it hurts.
And I can't tell him it will get better.
He also has a lung infection, but the doctor told me I shouldnt worry about it, because it's his heart that will kill him.
Did I mention how sick I am of doctors, and this hospital, and hospital food and annoying semi-strangers taking care of my son.
He had an EEG and for babies they take a glue gun and glue the leads to his head. The leads are gone, but the glue is still there and I tease him that it must've been some party he was at, to have glue in his hair days later.
He couldnt fit into his halloween costume so I made a sign letting people know what he was and put his hat on him. Ill post a picture as soon as J sends it to me.
No one really know what to say to me so they dont talk to me, or when they do there are these awkward silences or they begin a rambling monologue about some weird topic.
I sort of feel sorry for them but the truth is, there's not much anyone can say to reach me.
Im stuck in a world of monitors and options and hospital-speak and all my self is focused on the little guy in the bed and everything else is kind of irrelevant.
But thanks, as always, to Len, for your support and for your amusing blog, and to Katie and Chris and Beth and Lex for giving me something fun to read in the downtime.
9:19 a.m. - 2005-11-03
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Today
My anger over the fact that everyone kept telling me he was fine and I was silly is somewhat tempered by the fact that the shunt he had had never, in the entire history, thrown a clot. He's the first.
Apparently my little boy has not had a working shunt for a while now, so no blood was going through his pulminary artery into his lungs. My clever boy developed a lot of other ways to get blood to his lungs, but it was taking its toll on him.
Im going to have to explain to him that it's not always good to be first, that average is A OK sometimes.
So NOW everyone is all concerned, NOW they care, NOW they want to know every single thing that ever happened in his day for the past month.
It is a strange thing because I know, just like last time, that I am talking intelligably and eating and making arrangements for things and in general behaving nomrally but about 3% of my actual attention is on anything I am doing.
The largest part of me is waiting, breath held, until he comes off the ventilator and I can hold him again.
There is a time when his face is buried in my neck, and his little hands are clutching my hair, when I can feel his heart beat against my chest - that's when I know that everything is perfect in our world. And I cannot rest until we are resting that way again.
Every other system in his body is working perfectly, he was not oxygen deprived for too long. They cleaned out the clot in his shunt and he should be fine until his next surgery.
Today is a lot better.
1:37 a.m. - 2005-10-30
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Another Thursday
I spent the afternoon in the hospital with Jakey, trying to get them to understand that this now apple-cheeked churub had just been cold and lifeless and unresponsive.
His monitor never even beeped.
They sent us home after a few hours cause he was fine. Probably just nuerotic mom.
At 11 PM I feed him then held him as he screamed - if i was my neighbor i wouldve called the cops.
I never heard a baby scream like that.
Then he stopped screaming, or moving, or breathing very well.
The sent him by helicoptor to the hospital, but somehow I have beaten the coptor here (I swear i didnt even speed).
Im so scared. Im afraid of helicoptors, so his daddy is with him.
I held his hand as they intubated him, as he turned as purple as barney and equally lifeless.
They Iv'd him and took 2 arterial sticks and he did not even flinch.
I am so scared.
When will this fucking chopter come already.
I dont know how to stop crying when he is not with me.
This sucks so bad.
2:08 a.m. - 2005-10-28
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This is why we call him Helmet Boy
(Me) south: wendy called me back
srsnjnorth: and?
south: she told you to stop calling her about this problem. She told you twice. and yet, every day you call her
south: she said she explained to you that its an ongoing problem
north: i havent called her all week lol
south: except for tuesday (and today after I told him not to)
north: i mean it should of been fixed by now
south: is that opinion coming from your long years as an IT professional?
north: no
north: its just that this system has a lot of issues
south: none of which are wendy's fault
north: oh i know that
north: its nobody's fault
south: so why punish wendy?
north: i didnt say it was her fault
north: hey its back
south: you realize you didnt actually answer my questions, right?
north: i just wanted to know whats wrong with the system thats all
south: did you ask wendy?
north: she told me but i didnt understand the terminology
9:09 a.m. - 2005-10-27
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That's whats goin on
This is the time of the suck. I make all my money for the following year between September and December, with the busiest time coming now.
This method of earning a living is why I am just about broke every August, since everything I do has to be budgeted by December.
I know some union families (like construction workers) have to do this too, and my sympathy is all for them. It's very hard to budget yourself that far ahead unless you make a ton more money than you need.
So I am in the suck right now, working like a madwoman, yet falling behind.
I realized that the last few years, since Im also working a 40 hour regular job, I took off on selected days to make working so intensly these weeks easier.
I had to run out my sick and vacation for my maternity though, so I have no days to take off and I am falling behind. Maternity policies in this country suck ass.
On a positive note, I have learned how to do my other job while holding an infant, so yeah me, girl's got skillz, yo.
This weekend is Terror's birthday party, so on Saturday 8 hormonal teens will congregate at my house with scary facepaint. I will transport them to the movies, then pick them up and have a sleepover.
What the hell was I thinking?
Im going to barricade myself in the bedroom and pray for morning.
On Monday, Face goes in for a pre-test. On Tuesday, he has a 23 hour cardiac catheterization. That's the test where they run a line from his groin through to his heart and inflate a little balloon.
J said his shoulders are already tightening up with tension. I am trying not to think about it at all.
If I dig my feet in real hard, Tuesday will never come, right?
8:42 a.m. - 2005-10-27
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Of Music and Brandy
I've always tried to make my son fiscally aware/responsible whether it is explaining how commercials conflate two unrelated things to get you to buy their product, mortgage and interest rates, or budgeting.
In our latest conversation we were discussing instant gratification and money, how money saved in great chunks now could service and early retirement vs. play now pay later, and how to balance both.
We came, in the end to discuss his actual financial status.
Terror: Once I get a certain amount of money though, shouldnt I put it into music?
Me: Music?
Terror: Yeah, pop-pop said I should probably buy a disc or two?
Me: What?
(The light dawns)
Me: You mean a CD!
Maybe he's not quite ready for Wall Street.
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Is it passive-agressive when your (annoying, slap-worthy) co-worker calls you and says quickly
"Do you think you could look that up for me? Thanks you're a doll."
Click
And instead of calling her back and explaining why
A> She should really just do her own damn job
B> This is what happens when you use your boobs to get a position you are unqualified for
C> Its' not my damn job to do your damn job.
D> If you want a favor, ask for it and acknowledge that it's a favor
E> If you are going to take on a serious job in the workplace, don't embarrass the rest of us by calling yourself "Brandi with an i"
F> I'm not doing anything for you because you are a stupid cunt who annoys me and, oh yeah, why the hell should I?
If instead of explaining all these things I merely go on about my business as if she had never called, is that passive-agressive?
12:36 p.m. - 2005-10-20
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