Adventures in Freelance Insanity ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fun on Friday Im determined to post more, even though I can become such an introvert that posting is too much socializing. Or maybe because of that. You, internet friends, have not heard all my stories yet, one of the great things about meeting new people, so here is one of the many stories about one of my many insane neighbors. I have moved far too much in this lifetime. While I was young and married I moved 17 times in 9 years, so much so that whenever I walked into the local liquor store the manager would say "You're not moving AGAIN!" Sadly, I mostly was. Perhaps if I had discovered the joys of the finely honed marguerita earlier I would've been better off. Ive moved so many times Ive lost count and I am a bad person to send to rent because my ennui on the subject knows no bounds. Does it have most of a ceiling? Sold. The advantage to moving is that I am never surprised by how big a dickhead a landlord can be or how unreasonable or an ouright crook/liar/reprobate. The disadvantage is, well packing and actually moving. Lest you forget (none of my friends do) I own over 3000 books. So no doubt due to my own low standards of choosing and my inability to live in any kind of "complex", I end up having complete loons as neighbors. Or perhaps i just send out the right pheremone. This is a story about my relatively normal neighbor Jen*. At the end of this you will no doubt have judged Jen harshly so I say this to you. Every side has two stories. She was a very young (21) year old party girl who married an older (29) man who decided soon after they were married to persue a degree which meant he was not home for about 18 hours a day. My take on it was that he was unwise and she was being 20, but, whatever. We shared a porch (i was downstairs and she upstairs) with doors directly next to each other. They had to pass by my door to get to theirs. I rarely closed my door except in the dead of winter so I always was aware of their comings and goings and was on a friendly basis with both of them. One night, Jen knocked on my door, in tears. Jen: I need some advice. I hate my boss. (Starts crying) Me: Come in - what happened? Jen: She told everyone at the bar that I was a slut who would give a blowjob to anyone who asked. Me: That's terrible! That's completely unprofessional and probably actionable. Your boss should not be talking about you like that. You need to talk to the manager. Jen: She IS the manager. She is so mean! She says things like this all the time (crys harder). Me: Well, you need to get a hold of yourself. You need to confront her and let her know it's unnacceptable. Inform her that if it doesnt stop immediately you will go to HER boss. Jen: So she's not allowed to say stuff like that about me? Me: Certainly not. Absolutly not, She is not allowed to say those things about you, even if they were true. Silence. Me: Is it true? Do you give blowjobs to strangers in the parking lot? Silence. Me: You know, it's a very dangerous thing to go off with a stranger in a dark place and have unprotected sex. Dangerous to yourself as well as dangerous because of diseases. And I would think it is dangerous to your marriage. Lots of crying. Me; Dont cry. Do what i said. Your boss is not allowed to talk about you like that, whether it is true or not. On a personal note I think maybe you should think about what you are doing. Jen: (With fervor) You're right! That's it! Im not going to give any more blowjobs to strangers. No matter how cute they are! Me: Sigh. And if that didnt make you laugh, consider this. At one point she carried on an affair with her husband's best friend. So he would come by in the afternoon and they would tell me not to mention it and then I would see him later at night with the husband. I got so confused about when I was supposed to have seen him that I just pretended I didnt know him. I think the husband must have introduced him to me about 50 times over the course of the 3 years we were neighbors and I always professed to have no idea who he was. This is comedy gold people! Especially when you consider he probably tells his own crazy neighbor story about the blonde girl who couldnt remember a guy she was introduced to 50 times. Really, you cant make this stuff up.
9:12 a.m. - 2006-08-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- August - A Day in the Life Idea from The Marvelous Sheryl , I present, An August 2006 Day in the Life… 3:30 AM Wake up, hit snooze until… 4:00 Drag self out of bed, put clothes on, put bottle in warmer so it’s ready when Face wakes up, make up chicken Caesar salad, leave for work. As I drive, realize I do not see man who runs in the dark every morning on the twisty, lightless road and I wonder if yesterday was the day. I know, I’m not his mother, but I worry about him anyway. 4:20 Get into work, turn on computer and doze in between doing some stuff. 7:30 - 9:30 Do actual work. While I work I read blogs. Decide to read daily blogs backwards, just because. Bad mistake, because I get caught up in comments of news blogs and don’t get to read my daily people blogs during this time. Here’s the daily blogs I read (in order) Len, the crazy Scot , Katie, CA resident temporarily living in Gay Paree , The Marvelous Sheryl , Cactus Chris , Fish Beth , Elsewhere , Suzanne , Kameron , Savtadotty , Amber , John , Helen , The Fabulous Twisty , The R-rated Rude Pundit , Neonatal Doctor , Dream Mom , Kevin , Lisa , Blue , The Girl Next Door , My tied for favorite news blog , The other News Blog , Barbara Ehrenreich’s Blog , A Heart Stories Blog . Whew! 9:30 A lot of work, very unusual, the result of doing nothing Monday and Tuesday. 12:00 PM Read the rest of the blogs, realize it’s Day in the Life and decide to try to do today. Finish blogroll reading. 12:40 Meet J in parking lot and discuss schedule for today, work issues, and exchange baby. 1:10 Go to headquarters of 2nd job and pick up work. Chat with Office manager - who I love to death. We laugh at this , which I sent her and still think his both hilarious and icky. 1:30 Go to Chick-fil-A and get lunch, read chapter of my current car book (The Book Thief), eat in car on the way home. 2:00 Feed Face and play while watching/listening to Last Comic Standing. 2:30 Put Face in front of his all-time favorite Leap Fr0g Musical Playgr0ound and as he spins the tunes I start this whilst I call about three medical bills that need to be straightened out. I have a lot of them and usually limit myself to one a day but the first one was a breeze so I persevered. Add $381 to stuff I need to pay, and make a note to write a letter on another one. Start in on work. 3:30 Face starts to crank so I wrap him to rock to sleep but he wasn’t tired, he wanted to play. We play. 4:30 Face tired. Rock him to sleep while watching Rescue Me and put him in his crib to sleep. Make adjustments to computer setting since I was computer-less for a few days while IT fixed it. [My computer at home is a gift from my employer so I can work at home. It’s all mine, but when it needs to be fixed I just bring it into IT and they do it. They also give me the latest software and a new computer every few years. I am aware than I am a very lucky girl. And yes, if you’re wondering, I AM worth it.] 5:30 Work while I watch end of Last Comic Standing and Girlfriends and eat a bowl of Trix. I was going to eat Lucky Charms but someone/s ate them all so I thought why not? Why not? Because Trix are nasty. Ew. But I cannot waste food, I just cant, so I ate them all and I am queasy. 6:20 Take call from Best Hospital on Earth. Face is due for a full 14 month work-up and it needs to be scheduled. Am actual relieved about doing this because the truth is, if I could he would have a full work up every month. Being responsible for spotting the signs of Congestive Heart Failure all by myself is exhausting. It is making me crazy. You’ll all be happy to know I’m gonna see someone for that. In the meantime, full workup for Face? No need to guess how he’s doing? Fucking-A Fabulous! I totally forgot he would need this. Call J to tell him and tell him to let our boss know Ill be out half that day. Am more happy than I can tell you. Feel like dancing. 6:30 Work. 6:45 Face wakes up and we get a snack – Cheerios for Face and French Onion Sun Chips with Diet Coke for me. I keep working. Id really like to finish by tomorrow. I was at 50% today, now I am at 70% for the first part and 55% for the second part. There’s also a “finish” to add. I have a ways to go. 7:15 Part 2 at 60%. Time for physical therapy with the Face. In case you were wondering, this week it consists of putting him on a 3 foot high yellow ball and force him to maintain his balance – he sits and I tilt him. Then I push him backwards and try to get him to do a sit-up by moving the ball around with him on top. Then I put him in the “crawl” position on top of the ball and move it around. This particular exercise would be easier if I had more hands. Then I put him on the floor and move his legs while he moves his arms. Then I torture him by placing his toys where he cant reach him to make him reach in certain ways for them. Okay, so I only feel like a big meanie. I try to make it easier by singing songs, laughing, and telling him what a great job he is doing. Each sit-up gets a kiss, too. After therapy it general takes him about an hour to catch his breath. 7:40 Dinner time for Face – mixed greens, sweet potatoes, and fresh pineapple for desert. 8:00 Face plays on the floor while I work and listen to The Daily Show. I’m gonna have to watch the clock cause J wont be home tonight. He’s working on his movie tonight. Part 2 at 65%. I feel for stay at home moms. I can measure work progress by projects (or percentages) completed and by my paycheck. It’s easy to see results and I get rewarded every two weeks. Motherhood has none of these check-off-able benefits. 8:30 Put Face in high chair with Cheerios and his very first juice in a cup. He was never a big fan of juice so I’m not sure how it will go. I clean the kitchen and load the dishwasher (J will empty it). I prepare Face’s meds, normally J’s job but this is my little way of saying – missed you tonight, thought of you, love you. As I work, I dance (for Face of Course) and sing along to the Counting Crows. 8:50 Make the bed. Put Face into bath. Watch him play happily and realize I forgot to bring a book or my drink with me. I guess it’s a quick bath tonight. Face is always blue after a bath so I wrap him in a huge towel and cuddle under covers. He drinks his formula bottle while I read some Where the Sidewalk Ends to him. 9:20 Realize I forgot to make food, dress Face in shirt and diaper (he’s not blue now) and put him back in high chair while I puree some fruit. I put some in jars in fridge and freeze some. This is Face’s breakfast fruit. I make J’s dinner in advance and all I need to be done until Sunday is to make a veggie. I steam some corn, add it to the Thai Chicken and garlic rice and viola – I don’t have to cook until Sunday. 9:40 Type more of this post and listen to Friends while Face plays on his musical playgr0und. 9:50 Work. 10:20 Lay Face in crib, write some more of this post and work while listening to House rerun. 11:00 Too tired to keep going. I am disappointed only 75/65% finished, but hopeful. If everything goes as smooth tomorrow as it did today, I will finish tomorrow. Get in shower. 11:15 Get out of shower. J has come home early and gotten in bed to surprise me. As I step out of our bathroom into the barely-lit bedroom he says hi. Which scares the ever-lovin crap out of me. When I find my heart again, I snuggle up to him and ask for a few minutes to finish up this post, post it and read my email. Since he wants to smoke anyway, it’s perfect. I will probably be asleep by midnight. 11:27 p.m. - 2006-08-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Face - A letter/Update Dear Face, I cant believe we made it a whole year! There were a few times I wasnt sure you would make it, or that I would. Neither of your "zipper" scars are very prominent, I could probably hide them with some regular makeup. Your biggest scars are the chest tube drain scar right below your right nipple, and the thick, ropey scare along your left wrist where your line infiltrated and burned you very badly. The rest of the skin on your body is so incredibly soft and smooth. You are the only kid I know whose severe diaper rash clears up within 24 hours. I feel bad that you cant poop without a lot of straining, grunting ofttimes crying effort. But the face you make at the beginning is priceless, like youre trying to work out the square root of 355. You take a lot of medicine, a liquid multi-vitamin, an anti-allergy medicine, medicine for constipation (which still doesnt work well), a lasix, which helps your body drain excess water so it doesnt gang up in your lungs, and a medicine for your reflux. Your reflux has gotten a lot better in the past few months. When you started eating chunks of food you had a little problem, but other than that you usually limit yourself to the once or twice a week puking. Im very glad about this, because with all the real food youve been eating your puke has really started to smell. And, uh, I dont really understand what the deal is about puking on mommy. Your dad or Nana will watch you for a whole day and - nothing. Then you see mommy and it's exorcist time. Whats the deal, man? You are sloooowly growing hair - its about a quarter of an inch all over your head except for the one patch by your right ear which is two inches long and curls up. I already told you if you insist on growing curly blond hair there's no way I can keep you because I will let you get away with murder. You have no teeth which is strange because you have been chewing on everything since you were 4 months old. I could always tell when you were sick because your teeth weren't bothering you anymore - at least your body had it's priorities right. I have to warn you that your brother set the bar pretty high for teething - he once cried for 15 hours straight. I think it's perfectly okay for you to let your brother keep his record. You dont like strange women, probably because most of the people who "hurt" you (nurses, therapists) are women. You will smile at a man, and your favorite person on Earth is daddy, followed by your big brother. Sometimes I mind coming in third but I also know that it can change like the wind and if I have to lose to other people I cant think of two better. When you are not sticking your finger into your mouth you are sticking them in mine - you love it when I suck on your fingers so you can pull them out with a big smacking sound. Every day you grab my hair in the most painful manner possible, shove it in your mouth, make an ewww face and spit it back out. Every day I tell you I am not impressed with your learning curve vis a vis my hair. You have an annoying habit of heatbutting people (and furniture) when you are happy or excited. You have given mommy and daddy a few fat lips and yourself a few headaches. Recently I wondered if maybe this is your baby version of a kiss. You play a game with us by moving your head around in your best imitation of daddy. When we mimic you you laugh out loud. We can also make you laugh by tickling you or giving you Eskimo kisses. The first time you laughed at something that had nothing to do with you was when mommy was sorting laundry. You found this hilarious. Weirdo. You cant say any consonants yet, or move your hands in the signs Im trying to teach you, but you have your own little signs for more and hungry. You can sit up really well, but you hate to be on your tummy. After a few minutes, your scar tissue makes it hard to breathe. When you do hard work like this, you take little breaks and just lay your head down. But you will roll over if you have to to keep from staying on your tummy. Standing up is your favorite. lately, you have been getting really confident and rarely use both hands to stand. You also dance, and can bend your knees almost the whole way and spring back up. Just last week, you took a few steps while holding on to mommy's hands. However many steps forward you take, you insist on walking backwards the same amount. The therapist says walking backwards is very hard and she doesnt understand why you do that. Im really hoping it isnt a metaphor. You like to "help" me feed you and yet you are a very neat eater. You never met a food you didnt like. I wont let you eat bananas or rice (god forfend) but pretty much everything else. Your least favorite is prunes and your favorite is squash, with green beans a close second. Mommy gives you a different fresh fruit to gum to death every day and while youre not wild about kiwi you'll take my fingers off for another bite of pineapple. You eat constantly, and love your cheerios. With all you eat you should be huge but you are 25 inches tall and 15 pounds. Your chubby cheeks (just like your dad) make you look chubby when you are anything but. Even I get fooled by those cheeks, until I see that I can count every rib and knob in your spine. There are no pants that fit you. Once again, there is no need to compete with your brother in the skinny catagory. He will tell you, mom gets really annoying and will constantly try to stuff your face to get some meat on those bones. Or at least enough to hold up pants. You like to eat the books I read to you. You have no good books, and mommy needs to get on the ball and go to amaz0n. You will snap to attention whenever you hear music, you love music and you love to play your baby piano and dance. Whenever you hear music or hear me start to sing (except your sleep songs) your little head starts to move up and down and you start shaking your booty. Daddy and I call you Schroeder and crack up when you play that little piano and dance along to your own mad tunes. You never sleep willingly, and you still insist on being wrapped like an infant in order to sleep. Once you are asleep, you pull your covers over your head (but not your body). Daddy is terrified you are going to suffocate but Mommy isnt as worried because your big brother did the exact same thing. The way you try so hard in therapy to make me happy makes me want to cry. I wish I could make it easier for you baby. I wont denigrate your courage and strength by telling you that it hurts me just as much, but watching you struggle so hard has, at times, broken my heart into pieces. Every day you bring a smile to my heart. You dont know how to be sick, or to lay down and take it easy, you shrug off your physical limitations as if they were nothing and figure out a way to move ahead. One of my favorite times with you was when you were supposed to be learning the "pincer" movement with your fingers by picking up treats and putting them in your mouth. You tried so hard but your fingers kept getting in the way and you couldnt get the food. After two days, you suddenly leaned down, stuck your tongue out, and swept a mass of treats into your mouth. The therapist said "Great problem solving but not really what I was looking for." But it was just another example of how you refuse to give up. You have given mommy every gray hair she has, enough stress and sadness to last a lifetime - and I wouldnt change a single thing. Watching you grow up is the most amazing, awe inspiring event I can imagine. You have taught me to slow it down, be grateful for every step forward and to appreciate each and every day I get to spend with you and daddy and Terror. I can only hope that I will be as great a mom to you as you are a child to me. I love you more than I could ever say. Mommy 11:38 a.m. - 2006-07-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Friday Funny Okay, so writing that crap out (and sending friend an email) acutally did help me feel better about it all. I found the funny again, always a necessary requirement. So here's the two funnies Ill share... 1. After sending a loooong email to my friend about all the crap she called me and we talked and she said she really does want me to be her friend and confidant and she wants to deal with our issues and return to our closeness. I suggested (not sarcastically) that she really doesnt have time to be a close friend because part of what she felt so pressured about was that her other friends (and husband) felt left out and pressured her to be less of a friend to me. She insisted she didnt care, that she needs the friendship. So it's dinnertime, and to be nice I say - well, I know it's dinner (i dont eat dinner) so if you want we can continue this another time. She protests, she wants to fix us. Then she says you know, husband will probably be mad if she doesnt go eat with them, can she call me back as soon as is done? All I can say is that is a mighty long dinner (Im still waiting). And the fact that I can laugh about it means Im probably over it. Right? 2. My son has a "Learning" dog which for some reason only plays half of everything. The itsy bitsy spider only goes up the waterspout, this little piggy only goes to market, and the alphabet only goes to P. No combination of pushing can make the "ends" of anything. Even more amusing, OT therapist though this was hilarious and asked why we didnt take it back and exchange it and I realized - it never occured to either J or I, who would much rather keep it and make fun of it all the time. Of course, my son is going to go to school and be like s? theres no S in the alphabet! Happy Friday people! 10:17 a.m. - 2006-07-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Friendship Gone Awry Part II Now here's where I was stupid. Instead of sticking up for myself and telling her that she didnt get to set all the rules, that she doesnt get to use me when she needs me and then expect me to fade away when she doesnt, I aquesied. I counted her friendship as more important than the grave disservice she had just done me. This was my big mistake. In not sticking up for myself, in accepting a friendship all on her terms I basically devalued myself and my friendship. So of COURSE she is going to stab me in the back. Fast forward to a year of only going over when her husband wasnt there (because she was "busy" otherwise) and of course never demanding she visit me or NOT have long phone conversations when I was over, etc. Then Jake came, and Ill be the first to say I was a crappy friend. And partner to J, and mom to Terror, and every other role. I lived day to day just hoping to live to the next one. I didnt call enough, or go over enough, or anything enough and of course since our relationship was dependent on MY making an effort, our realtionship truly started to fail. In the meantime she looked up her highschool classmates and started to have My Space go-rounds with them (do I even have to say that 6 months before I helped her start a blog but she stopped because it was "too dangerous" - but myspace aokay :::eye roll:::). They started to travel as a pack. So I would ask her if we could spend alone time together and she would say sure and then I would get there and surprise! all these people had "dropped by". Funny how THATS okay now. Needless to say, I am not a social butterfly and didnt like everyone of the pack - one was a huge asshole. Ill just have to wait a while to say I told you so. I havent spent a single second alone with her in over a year and when I point that out, Im accused of being unsocialable. And in a stunning bit of irony, here's the biggest problem I have with them. They all smoke. So they go into the other room to smoke and leave with with the exact person I loathe (he really is quite a stunning asshole). Then, when I go into the other room where they are they move to another room claiming they dont want to smoke around Face. I say I dont care and follow them and suddenly we're in a farce. And how pathetic am I? Are you ashamed to even be reading this yet? Im willing to let Face be in a smoky room to have the friendship of people I dont particularily like just to please her. Pa.thet.ic. So I was just gonna let her drift out of my life but twice Ive gone over and just been so SAD. I dont understand treating people like they are replaceable, I really dont. So Ive tried to talk with her. And she gives me this crap about how "everything changes when you have a baby" (but not when SHE had 2!) adn how she's sooo busy. Crap. All crap. And here's where Im an ass. I get it. She needed me, used me, and then when she didnt wanted me to go away nicely. She doesnt want a "scene", or to be made to feel quilty over being a jerk. And Im the loser who got dumped and wants to know why because if it's because THEY are an asshole then what kind of ass am I for being your friend for so long? How delusional am I? So I try to hope there's a different answer, that I did something so horrible or mean that I deserve to be treated like this. Today I wrote her an email, my last pathetic attempt to hope for better answer. Her answer is basically that She had really good reasons for doing everything that she did and she'd like to be friends but Im just so :::head shake::: mad that she doesnt think I can get over all these little things I seem so mad about. Funny thing is, Im less mad about the things themselves than the implication that Im silly to be mad at all. It's maddening. But truthfully, I dont regret putting myself out there and being a friend. Im just very sad that she ultimatly proved to be a bad friend. I know it is on her, but I miss her and I am so sad. PS If you think Im being a jerk feel free to say so in the comments. 3:56 p.m. - 2006-07-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Friendship Gone Awry Part I So I got this survey about friendships, online and "real-life" friendships. I took it, and it finally pushed me to make this post Ive been thinking about for a long time. I would consider This guy and Sheryl friends, because both have extended what I thought of as the hand of friendship toward me. This is NOT to say that other people online havnt helped me or been kind to me, etc., just these two are people I could totally see being real-life friends with (although I have the feeling that doob & I would get into too much mischeif together - he brings out the kid in me). I was also inspired because Beth * has blogged in the past about her friendships in a very honest way that I admire and have decided to emulate today. Maybe getting it off my chest would help. One of the reasons I am finding it difficult to cope is that now that my life is calming down a little, the big hole where my best friend used to be is glaringly obvious. I have always been blessed by having one really close female friend. Someone I could tell all my secrets too, someone who didnt judge me (or I them), someone who liked me FOR my bad points and appreciated my good ones. My first female friend (0-13) was also my cousin. I quite ruined this friendship. When she told me she didnt think we'd be as good friends because we were going to different high schools I took the initiative and cut her right out of my life. I regretted it a year later, but I dont blame her for not taking me back into her intimate life. We still see each other occaisionally, but she is distant and I deserve it. My second friend (16-24) became my friend almost instantly. We talked one day and it was like finding a sister I had lost. We spent more time together than alone. We "broke up" because of a tragedy that wasnt either of our faults, but neither of us handled very well. Although I can still pick up the phone and both of us will spill our guts, time has patched the hole the tragedy but nothing can really heal it so the level of intamacy can never be the same as it was. We see each other every 3 months or so. When I was 22 I met a woman who would, at 27, become my closest companion and best friend unti last year. As with my other friend, one day I asked for her advice, she answered and a great friendship was born. I spent every weekend at her house, helped her nurse her grandmom and grandfather (who lived with her), held her for months after her late-term miscarriage, threw her a kick-ass bridal shower type party, visited her 3-5 times a week when she felt trapped by all the people she cared for. In short, I was there for her whenever she needed me. Lest you think it was one-sided, she was there for me too. I always said I loved her because she had the biggest heart of anyone I know and it's true. Here's the ways Im a bad friend - I go through long periods when I dont answer the phone and only listen to messages say, once a week. I really dislike talking on the phone. To make up for this, I have always been willing to pack up my child (now children) and visit someone's house and I never mind if someone drops by my house. I have other bad points of course, but this is, I feel, the relevant one.
11:35 a.m. - 2006-07-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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