Adventures in Freelance Insanity
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The Momo Solution
The other week on CNN they reported the results of a study of drivers from every state.
The study concluded that New Jersey had the worst drivers.
Well, duh.
Although as a truck driver I encountered a plethora of momos every day, my job now is mostly to protect and clean up after momos.
[The word momo comes from the movie Taxi Driver, DeNiro's word for stupid drivers. Although everyone who has seen the movie can quote his "Are you talking to me?" speech, I appear to have been the only person to hear and like the word momo.]
Some people suggest that the only solution to Jersey's overwhelming momo problem is culling. In principal, I am against culling human beings.
I think Ive come up with a fair solution however, that would keep 5% of the momos off of our roads.
I have the pleasure of working in a building which rents out it's bottom corner to DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles). For the uninformed, this is where everyone must go to get their license, renew it, change it, restore it, etc.
Having so much time on my hands, I and my co-workers have many opportunities to observe the people going to the DMV.
Follow along with me as I use a mythical 100 people to demonstrate the actions of the average Jersey driver.
Of the 100 people to enter the parking lot, 90 of them will pass right by the sign indicating that the DMV parking lot is THIS WAY --->. They will proceed to the back of the building, which is in fact NOT DMV parking.
We are nice enough, however, that we generally dont mind DMV people parking in our lot.
The 90 people get out and approach the set of double doors in the back of the building. 45 of these people read sufficiently well that upon approaching the building they immediatly veer to the right to go around to the DMV entrance in the front of the building.
The other 45 approach the doors which have a 5 foot high symbol next to them - the symbol of my company. They also read the sign on the doors which says "This is NOT DMV." And the sign next to it which reads DMV -------->.
20 of them bear right. Of the other 25, 15 will try the doors (locked), then follow the arrows. The other 10 will try the doors, find them locked, gaze blankly at the doors and then turn to whomever is standing there and gaze blankly at them until you say "DMV is in the front."
The 10 people then proceed around to the front of the building. As they turn the front corner they pass a 5 foot sign with the DMV logo on it. Other than the fact that both of our logos have the color red in them, they are completely different (even in shape).
Right next to the 5 foot logo is a door which reads Division of Motor Vehicles. 5 of the people go into this door.
The other 5, the last 5, the 5% in our story, pass RIGHT BY the DMV door, and walk a lot further up to a front set of double doors upon which are 2 signs that read "This is NOT DMV." "<----- DMV."
They will try the doors, and our security guard will buzz them in to tell them in person that DMV is the door they passed, it is THAT WAY, no this is NOT DMV and you CANNOT GET INTO DMV from here.
Now, it is my contention that anyone who misses the parking lot sign, our logo, back door sign and arrows, the DMV door itself (with the honking big logo next to it), and the front door signs, well, these people should not, under any circumstances, be driving around.
For god's sake.
My contention is that our security guard should take these people's names as if she works for DMV and that DMV should then deny them a license until they can at least FIND DMV.
That's just my opinion. The head of DMV likes it though. So if you are one of the momo 5% - im not going to apologize.
You really, really deserve this one.
8:18 a.m. - 2005-06-24
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My Anthem
There was a discussion on Sunday on the wonderful Lauren's blog about our American Culture of Rape . I always find this subject fascinating.
Of the 7 of us who were repeatedly raped as children, only two of us chose to testify in person. This man, besides being our own scary nightmare, was just in general a very scary man. The others agreed to testify via videotape. They also, to a woman, changed their names and moved out of state.
I chose to continue living by myself in the next town over.
Many thought this unwise, that I too should change my name, or hide. I took precautions.
To this day I can always tell if a car has followed me for more than a short time. I always carry a knife, and mace, and my keys are always tucked through my splayed fingers ready to be used as a weapon.
As expected, the man hired thugs to dissuade me from testifying. I was not quick enough to get my front door open one night, and they got me.
There are many who said (and will say) that it is my own stupid fault. I knew they would come for me, and getting caught is my own damn fault. I could've been smart like the other girls. I could've refused to testify, or changed my name, or moved out of state.
It's true, I could've done all these things. But Im just not built that way. Flaw or not.
My absolute favorite line in any movie is from Good Will Hunting. He is describing his abusive step-father who gave him a choice - belt, whip, or wrench.
The psychatrist replies "Id have to go with the belt here."
"I went with the wrench."
"Why?"
"Because fuck him, that's why."
I stood up in the movie theatre and cheered (my friends are used to me luckily).
What I found more telling than other people's reactions to my getting the crap beaten out of me was this - I knew my abuser well enough to know he would come after me, but he misjudged me enough to think that a beating would deter me.
I hope the years he spent in prison made him learn a little something about me as a person.
So for all the prudent, smart people out there, the dickheads of the world had better keep in mind that there are a few idiots like me out there whose response to pain is Bring it on and Fuck You.
Even though it was written much later, Im pretty sure Three Doors Down wrote this anthem for me -
Duck and Run
To this world I'm unimportant just because I have nothing to give
So you call this your free country
Tell me why it cost so much to live
Tell me why
This world can turn me down
But I won't turn away, oh no
I won't turn around
All my work and endless measures never seem to get me very far
Walk a mile just to move an inch
Now even though I'm trying so damn hard
I'm trying so hard
This world can turn me down but I won't turn away
And I won't duck and run, cause I'm not built that way
When everything is gone there is nothing there to fear
This world cannot bring me down
No cause I'm already here, oh no!
I am already here, down on my knees
I am already here, oh no, I am alreday here
I must have told you a thousand times I am not running away
I won't duck and run
I won't duck and run
I won't duck and run
No I won't pass away
This world can turn me down but I won't turn away
And I won't duck and run, cause I'm not built that way
When everything is gone there is nothing there to fear
This world cannot bring me down
No cause I'm already here
7:38 p.m. - 2005-06-21
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Some pictures you probably didnt want to see
Okay, so Ive already gained 50 pounds and presumably have more to go. Im actually not that fat, but my belly is ginormous. It looks like I could go any day. Here it is, the infamous belly pic...
I have never understood why, when cautioning girls against getting pregnant, people dont also use picutres like this to explain the true joys of pregnancy. These are actually my feet by the end of the day. Normally, I have slim, if not bony ankles. They are always slightly swollen these days, but by night, they become... the feet from hell...
12:55 p.m. - 2005-06-21
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Food Glorious Food
Normally the only food that I could even think about being excited by is the Turkey Hill Rocky Road in my freezer.
Maybe it's being pregnant. Although I get this food every year, Ive never found the need to drool about it or even comment on it in any way.
Right now in my kitchen there are fresh, unshucked ears of corn, blueberries and strawberries (all from local farms) little cakes and cool whip for an orgasmic frenzy of blue/strawberry shortcakes, and pears from Harry and David (a gift).
It's too much, it's like Heaven overload for the mouth.
Im managing, however... a pear, whip up some corn, then some blueberries, perhaps a small shortcake, some ice cream...
I may get fat, but Im doin it in style, people. Style points count, right?
11:12 a.m. - 2005-06-20
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The General
I love the General
11:10 a.m. - 2005-06-20
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