Adventures in Freelance Insanity ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just Overworked and Tired Now I think I may be starting to climb out, but I am fantastically overworked and about to be moreso. Thank you so much for all the people who sent me e-mails, left comments, and offered to lend a friendly ear. Im hoping it was just a delayed mini-breakdown from the events of the past year. Cause Ive been too stressed to give in to a breakdown until now. But Face - he's almost one now, and by all accounts he is doing fabulously. Although he looks and is physically at a 6 month level, he is very bright. He plays games with us, he laughs at baby jokes, he is beoming a little persson. And he looks fabulous. Now normally, Id be happy to give him all the credit, but the truth is that I have excercised so much time and effort and care into making sure he made it this far that I intend to take some credit. So there. I try to ignore the fact that statiscally, he has a 50% chance of living past his next birthday. I look at his obvious good health (if you didnt know, you wouldnt know) and pretend that the other kids who died were different somehow. I read the stories as the children of people in my support group die and tell myself that we are different. Funny thing is, I really believe it, even tho it is extremely illogical. Perhaps irrationality is a necessary survival mechanism. I have been highly overworked though, and Im sure it isnt helping. The state put a hiring freeze on, and our weekend guy quit which means J & I have to split the weekends, except when J has shooting jobs and then I have to work the whole weekend. And did I mention part of the state went underwater this week? Or as my colleges put it, Trenton and Ewing were finding Nemo. So it means Im working 50-60 hours a week at this job, taking care of Face, of course, and thank tptb that my other job is on hiatus for most of the summer - i only work for them 5 hours a week or so. Now the state is effectively shut down. Thanks, gov'ner! They told me in the beginning of the week that I WASNT essential (even tho until now I have been) and that I would probably get a four-day weekend (with pay) until they sign the budget. Then yesterday they told me I have to work anyway, cause I AM essential. Sometimes it's not so great to be needed. On a good note though, the bosses are all non-essential so I dont have to put up with THEM for the duration. On the other hand, the building (except our little section) is about to loose A/C. Our little section, however, is traditionally heaivly dependent on the rest of the building for its air temp. The funniest part was watching the legislator explain that casino workers werent essential. He actually stuttered. In case you dont understand - it's like this. All casinos are required by law to have state workers on all shifts at all times. If the state worker is not there, the casino cant operate. Without blalent favoritism, they cannot declare state casino workers essential, therefore legally, the casinos are reuired to shut down. On 4th of July weekend. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Of course, they got an immediate injunction in court. My guess is, they didnt even bother using a lawyer.
Vinnie: Hey, Im Vinnie. I dont think, like, this casino shutting thing is like, fair. Sos Im asking you, polite-like, to let them keep runnin. Judge: You make a compelling argument. So ordered. Have a great Holiday weekend everyone! Even you overseas people who couldnt give a fig! 10:08 a.m. - 2006-07-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hiatus I am taking a hiatus from blogging (although not from reading your blogs or commenting). I have slid into that darkness I call the Abyss and medical professionals call clincal depression. I have spent the past ten years being so vigilent against any slippage, carefully using every means available to stop the slide into the Abyss. Ironically, all my vigilence was for naught - I find myself here without any warning, without even that faint voice that I know is my health calling out to me. I have embraced it like the addict re-embraces her addiction. It's familiar, this dark place, it is Home. And hey, obviously being here makes me write like a bad drama queen. Peace. See you on the upside. 11:50 a.m. - 2006-06-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- View From A Child I was reading a post by Elsewhere http://elswhere.blogspot.com that made me think of a story a co-worker once told me. She was telling me that her mom had done something horrible to her that she had never forgotten. She and her brother had conspired to trick their mother - he lay down in the street and she ran in to tell her mom he had been hit by a car. She said she never forgot that her mom put her cigarette out FIRST, then came outside to see to her brother. At the time I was childless and i thought "That's terrible." Having children and raising my nephews taught me different. I wish I could go back to my co-worker and tell her - your mom knew you were full of crap. She might have never called you on it, she may have never said anything to you - a wise mom knows that stories like that mean they are not paying enough attention, you need more mom time. But there has never been a time when I didnt know my son was full of crap, whether I said anything or not. My co-worker's mom no doubt knew instantly that daughter was lying, she did not dally because she didnt care. I wish I had remembered this story when I was talking to my son the other day. I recently realized that he was carrying a lot of hurt over something that had happened a long time ago, something I really hadnt given much thought to since. His perception of the event was that he had done something horrible, and that I had been mean and hateful to him because of it. At the time I had barely raised my voice but I WAS furious - not with him, but with the other "adult" who was making such a fuss about what he had done. He heard the furious, and believed it was for him. It never occured to him that I never punished him, or spoke of it again -which I would have done if I had been upset with him. He has been carrying around this hurt a long time for no good reason - I wasnt even mad at him. It makes me wonder, though, how many hurts or misperceptions we carry around with us about our own childhood. How many situations did we only understand from our limited point of view as a child? Even worse, I have a too-excellent memory. So I have been able to go back and review some situations as an adult, and come to adult understandings about it. But what about the ones I forgot yet carry with with me, the ones we've all forgotten yet continue to carry the hurt of? I think we all have to let go a little, forgive a little more, be kinder to ourselves. There is no bliss in ignorance. **************************************** Lest you think Im one of THOSE parents I was furious because the "other adult" I speak of actually had the gall to say he was going to spank my son - he had decided that my son was to blame for an incident all the kids were involved in because my son was the oldest of bunch. I told my son to get in the car because I didnt want him to hear what I said to his "Uncle". 8:37 a.m. - 2006-05-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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