Adventures in Freelance Insanity
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The Job List
Beth wanted to know what we all do and have done.
Anyone who knows me knows that this is too large a question to answer in a comment so here it is, a re-post with some things I forgot and better spelling:
1. Delivering Newspapers on my bike
- how sad they dont even have this job anymore
2. Choral singer
3. Concert Singer
4. Spokesgirl in corporate videos
5. Columnist for a small local paper
6. Model
7. Actress in various plays
8. Head Waitress in an Italian restaurant
9. Manager of a frozen yogurt store
10. Assistant manager of a fruit-drinks store
11. Assistant manager of an ice-cream store - a job I had for a whole week, sadly, not my shortest job
12. Gas station attendant - and how I laugh at the no-smoking signs, I remember having a cigarette dangling from my lips while I pumped gas
13. Travel agent
14. Executive Assistant to the President of a large Manufacturing Rep firm - one of two jobs I loved and would have stayed at forever
15. Database Designing & Editing (I still do this now)
16. AP/AR for a Manufacturing firm - I barely stomached the "Sand Nigger" comments after my co-workers met with clients but found myself physically ill on Martin Luther King Day which was referred to in the company as "Kill a nigger Day". Quitting was the only thing that made it better. I hope you all burn in hell ya racist fucks.
17. Mom - okay, so ive never been paid for this but I damn well should be
18. Babysitter - at various times in my varied career for various children. There are only two hard and fast rules in my house - no blood on the carpet and no whining.
19. Delivering newspapers in my car at the crack of ass, I mean dawn
20. Assistant Property Manager
21. Manager of Texaco store - I put this in even tho I didn’t get the job because it remains my favorite job interview ever. I took their long-ass test then went for the interview where the Area Manager told me I had scored unprecendentedly high on their test and offered me a (better) job I hadn’t applied for. I told him I applied for the job because I wanted night hours. His response? "We dont hire women for that position." My response (snorting with laughter) "You said that out loud." He gazed at me uncomprehending until i said thanks and left. Sorry girls, I have a child to feed and no time to fight this fight - my sincere thanks to all those who eventually brought a class action suit against the company tho.
22. Data Entry for Credit Card Company - my shortest job, lasted 4 hours, after the whole interview, testing, paperwork bullshit i started and on the FIRST DAY was trying very hard to be extremely accurate rather than fast (Im usually both but i wanted to be extra-careful since it was an unfamiliar database and my FIRST DAY). And at lunchtime my supervisor told me they would have to let me go because i was "too slow". Still bewildering to me.
23. Collections Agent/Supervisor for2 counties for a newspaper
24. Dispatcher for same newspaper
25. Head of Supervisors/Dispatchers for same newspaper
26. General Assistant for Paper Representatives - had this job for two weeks. They hired me because they needed all these projects finished and estimated it would be a 6 mos-1 year job which i finished in two weeks. I wish i COULD learn to be slow. Take THAT Credit Card Company
27. Merchandiser
28. Service Manager for a pool company
29. One of those annoying people who offers you free samples in stores
30. Truck driver - my third favorite job. I get to drive around all day, listen to music really loud and smoke my heart out - and they PAY me for this! The guy hired me as a joke but the joke was on him - i was one of his best employees for years. He died and his partner proceeded to do everything he could to cleanse his company of the only female (me). Men are stupid.
31. Bookkeeper for Property Management Company
32. Waitress for chain restaurant
33. Assistant manager for chain restaurant
34. Development consultant for non-profits (I still do this, have done this freelance for 18 years now)
35. Development Assistant for Research Foundation
36. Lane waitress in bowling alley
37. Waitress at different chain restaurant - at some point i will post a rant on the many many deficiencies in the restaurant business but this was the job where i finally decided i would never waitress or manage a restaurant again. I have never regretted a decision less.
38. Assistant to the President of a woodworking company - i had this job for one week. I have worked for assholes, but this guy really took the cake. WHAT A HUMPER!
39. Manager of a Cabinet Maker company - i never earned a dime from them but i gave notice to my previous job to accept their offer and the day before i started they told me they had sudden financial difficulties and couldnt hire me. Bastards set me back financially in a major way but i learned a lesson - always get a job offer in writing. May they burn in hell.
40. Assistant Manager for clothes retail store.
41. North American Production Manager for a fortune 500 company - the other of my two favorite jobs. Regret leaving intensely. I left for...
42. Offer from my biggest freelance client to have my choice of a salaried job or enough freelance work to support me full-time. They later rescinded due to their own financial difficulties but remain my biggest freelance client.
43. Backup singer in an R&B band.
44. Photography for the London Times. (Don’t ask)
45. Worked for 2 days when I was 13 at a computer store opening blowing up balloons and welcoming people. Was told to take a ½ hour for lunch, took 15 min and was reprimanded by the manager cause “Now Ill have to pay you more.” Was upset at the time, now realize he was a huge wanker.
46. Secretary in a mortgage company. B-O-R-I-N-G. They had the best rule tho. If you had to go #1 you could use the bathroom but you had to go to the firm next door for #2. A posted rule. I swear to god.
47. Traffic Manager - I watch you in the cameras all over the roads and when you crash or break down I send help and report it to the local news services. My last day is in 2 weeks and I can barely keep the smile off my face.
Wow, that’s a lot of jobs. I think i got them all. I tried to stay in order but then remembered some jobs and its too much work to change all the numbers.
Way to many jobs to put on a resume, and that doesnt even include the jobs Ive done for free or my charity work.
The job Ive always wanted and could never get - bartender.
I was also offered a job running a restaurant in a kind of casual sit at the bar and read books and make sure the bartender doesnt steal too much money kind of way and i might take Steph up on her offer someday but Id have to move to Florida and Im not ready.
I listed the mom gig as a job although unpaid but i shouldve also listed girlfriend/wife/partner, all of which i have been and mostly remain (much like mom) tiresome endless caretaking tasks that are rarely appreciated. In short - i am a chauffer, fabulous short-order cook, laundress, cleaning woman, hostess, scheduler, AP/AR, organizer, nurse, judge, shopper and 1000 other things i forgot.
I have also been the Producer of two never-finished movies and a screenwriter for one (so far) for a Video Production company but I probably wont get paid for either.
I also got paid so a band could use a message I left on my sister's answering machine in their song. It was the last in a series of messages i left for that girl who NEVER returns messages. I call and call and sometimes weeks will go by when it's just me and the machine. So to amuse myself i leave messages. This particular series was a string where i was speaking to the aliens i was convinced had captured my sister and were holding her for ransom and i said something like "Alright. We'll trade you George Bush, all of In-Sync and Brittney Spears. I'd take it if i were you because Im an American and that means I think I rule the world and I have a lot of guns. This is my final offer." My sister thought this hilarious and made her friends listen to it one of whom put it in his song on his newest CD. I dont know if this actually counts as a job, but i got money for it.
I was offered a place in a harem by a Moroccan Sheik. He collects women, not for sex, but because he wants to have a whole stable of women all over the world that he sponsors so they can create works of art. He has a woman in New York who is writing the history of the world, another in Paris who is designing fasion, and although I was flattered to be asked, Im really not the harem type. In case youre wondering, he asked me after reading a short story I wrote. Im glad there are still "Patrons" out there and i hope all his women change the world. We need it.
I hope that whatever new job i find makes at least the top 5. I am getting older though, and i think i might finally be able to settle for money over fun.
This newest job was an experiment to see if i could just be mediocore at a job. Usually i take these stupid, supposed-to-be-easy jobs and i end up running the company. I have so far been wildly successful at being just okay at this job, and i am very proud of myself. It has been really hard at some points because gross incompetence and stupidity are excruciatingly painful for me to watch, but i made it through. WOOHOO!
Now, on to the next thing.
PS I wrote this post orginialy just before I found out I was pregnanct with the Face. Finally, I am moving on!
10:28 a.m. - 2007-01-26
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I Sing the Body Hilarious
I know you are greatly saddened by my lack of posting but our household is undergoing seismic shifts.
I agreed to let my ex off the hook child-support wise in return for full custody with occaisional visitation, thereby saving my son from having to ask his dad if he can stay with me (a completely HIS wish). So I longer have to be surprised at getting an occaisional bank draft - he owes me thousands in back support and has never once paid on time anyway (I didnt waive the back support).
My son gets to hang out at my house which means he can have friends over, go to summer camp and avoid being in the middle of two divorcing people living in the same house.
Im thinking this is win-win-win.
Ive been accepted to school in the fall and in a few weeks, if everything works out, I will be trading in one of my full-time jobs for just watching another kidlet at home with my Face all day. Another tick in the win column.
Oh yeah, and J is on the push to get the trailer for his film done so they can shoot the feature in the summer. He is also looking for a new job with new insurance.
Of course we are also house-hunting, keeping up with all Face's appointments and trying to add in our new changes with as little fuss as possible.
In other words, same old chaos, different day.
However, both my boys managed to be amusing in their own ways and I thought Id share.
I woke up one morning to realize that my keys were missing. Last place seen: Face's mouth. After an exhaustive 2 hour search, I found them. In the lidded kitchen garbage can. Along with some toys.
My question is - how many poor toys met their end before this discovery. My observation is that now I know where all the refrigerator letters are going, what a relief!
As far as Face - he is a brat and I couldnt be happier.
The older one did something that made me pee my pants I laughed so hard. Alright, so not really. But almost.
He was telling me about his Christmas presents and showed me one that he had asked his dad to get for him.
I thought it strange and I asked him what it was for and he said (Im giggling as I type) with all the contempt teenagers can muster (and that's a LOT).
Because it's FASHION mom.
I couldnt help laughing till the tears rolled and couldnt talk him out of wearing this inpublic and insisting it was cool.
It's my new screensaver.
Enjoy.
4:51 p.m. - 2007-01-19
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